Friday, September 29, 2006

I adopted Opie

This is Opie frum Best Frends Animul Sankchewery. I sponserd him today and pade with sum of those credit cards I git in the male. I pikt him becuz he was fownd in a storm drane, wich as yoo know, is conveenyuntly lokayted under the gutter. So I thot we had a lot in commun. Heer's his biograffy:
Opie must be a Lord of the Rings fan, because he does his best to look like Gollum! When he's not skulking around, you'll find him hunched in the corner, looking suspicious. And he has had enough adventures to fill a book! Before he came to Best Friends, he had been wandering around Venice, California, dazed, hungry, and thirsty. Suddenly, he found
himself trapped in a storm drain. He couldn't jump out! He was desperate. Little did he know, a dog would be the one to come to his rescue! A particular little dog and his person went for a walk every day past where Opie was trapped. And whenever they went by, the dog would stick his nose in to say hello. His person began to wonder what was in there. When she looked, she saw Opie! By the time he was rescued, he was really skinny - nearly dead!

After Opie was found, he was brought to the vet where it was discovered that he has diabetes as well as a spinal injury from having once been hit by a car! Because his diabetes was untreated for so long, his back legs don't work so well - that's why he couldn't jump out of the storm drain. Opie had been tired, thirsty, and hurting for so long that he never thought he'd be happy again. But now that he's at Best Friends, he finds his mood improving every day. And it turns out that despite his sulky looks, he's a
very personable cat.
So now I have to figyur owt how I can go visit Opie hoo livs far away in Yoo-tah. I've bin looking at the greyhownd bus skedjools, but the bus duzn't come to Castro Valley and I woodn't like to ride on a dawg bus anyway. I thot maybe I cood take BART, but that sownds too much like BARK wich makes me nervus. THE END -- RtGC

>> Yoo can sponser a cat, too. Clik heer for deetales. It also mite be a good place to look for gerlfrends if yer so inklined.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Rocky's Malebox

I got a good letter in the male today. It just mite be my tikit to freedum. It was frum the American Dreem Land Company, and this is whut it sed:

Dear Friend,

This is your personal invitation to our upcoming Huge Land Auction on October 1, 2006. At this awesome event, over 150 parcels of valuable land will be sold! We are selling everything from city lots to huge parcles of country land. Don't miss it! (I won't!!!)

Then it gives the time and place, and continyooze:

We offer financing on every parcel we sell. The paperwork is easy and everyone qualifies to buy. We specialize in no hassle transactions, making the American Dream of owning land possible for everyone. To find out more about the auction, visit our website at

Free land!
We will be giving away free parcels of land throughout the auction. When you register at the auction, you will be given tickets to participate in drawings for valuable FREE LAND!

Anybuddy wanna go with me??? I'm shoor that out of 150 parcels, thare will be sum good gutter land avayleubul.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Rocky: 1 Shon: 0

Skore one for the Rockster today. The meen lady stuft me in the kardbord box and took me in the bloo masheen to the vet man. He rubbed goo on my belly and did an ultrasownd, and then he took owt pee and then they torcherd me with a needul. It sukt.

But just as I fooled them into thinking I wuz a plasid mellow fellow, I wint into Ninja mode and nayled Shon the vet man's helper reel good with my clawz and made him bleed bukkets of blud. I bared my teeth. It felt good. I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it any more.

Thare's nuthin rong with me. I am strong like Hercyooleez!


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Still not feelin' too good

I stayed in the howse most of the day. Heer I am, krapt owt in the upstares hallway. The pozishun makes the peeple werry that sumthing bad has happend to me.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ware's the man?

I haven't seen the man hoo livs with us in a wile. And his bloo masheen has bin gone, too, wich I miss becuz I like hanging owt under it. It is very close to the grownd, wich is good if yoo need to hide frum dawgs or vishus deer. But then, I haven't been hanging outside much lately. Mostly, the lady makes me stay in the howse. I like doing that more and more. With the man away, the lady lets all us cats sleep in the peeple bed with her. Last nite, I desided to try it. She put down a nitted afgan for me wich she remembers I liked frum a long time ago. Thare's sumthing abowt it that makes me wanna make muffins and drool. Shoor enuf, the minit she put me down on it, the drool kikt in and my paws started kneeding it back and forth. It was reely nice and it made me happy. Mao sleeped between the lady's legs on top of the cuvvers, and Skeez burrowed under the cuvvers and cuddled into the lady. He needs to sleep under the cuvvers becuz he doesn't have pajamas like Kismet has, and it gits cold at nite.

I like this new sleeping arranjemint. If it's becuz the man's away, then I hope he stays away forever. Well, no, maybe not. He always, like, has conversayshuns with me and is intristed in whut I have to say. He's a good frend. But he's not wild abowt cats on the bed at nite.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Whut a Weekend....

Saterday wuz Skeezie's berthday. It was fun. I wuz the bartender. Trip helped me out so I cood take brakes to pee in the mulch, wich I have to do a lot. I got to hit on Sadie, hoo is hot. She looks almost igzaktly like me. Trip barfed on my feet. He thot being the bartender ment yoo cood drink evry time yoo servd a drink. He's pritty stoopid. So, the party was reely good.

But yesterday I started feeling bad. I tride to pee and coodn't. And it hert. A LOT. I cood barely ketch my breth it hert so much. So I yowld and tride to pee and yowld and tride to pee and it wuz very distressing. I'd drank a lot of water, abowt five galuns, and I HAD TO PEE!!! But nothin wood come out. So the lady and the man pakt me back up in that awful kardbord box and put me in the bloo masheen that livs in my gutter and the drove me to a place I'd never bin before. Mr Tasty Face drove reely fast. The lady kept saying it wuz like Mr Tode's Wild Ride. I don't know whut that is, but it was scarey. He drove on a reely winding rode thru a kanyun and I know it was winding becuz win he wint arownd a wind-ey part, my box fell over on its side and the lady yelled at the man, and then he'd go arownd anuther wind-ey part reely fast, and the box fell over on its other side, and it was probly like being in a washing masheen, only dry (unforchewnitly). So the lady krolled over and got my box frum the bak seet and put it on her lap, wich was much better. I started to relax a littul, and then I peed all over the lady's lap. That made her happy. Then we got to the place they took me.

It was fresh and new and kleen. It's called an emerjincey vet. It's open win the other vet-mans are goofing off at home. They took the pee out of me. It was red. It was not a plezint proceedyur. They gave me a shot. I think it wuz like the morfeen they gave Rosie and Cheeto's lady win she had the kid-me problim. It made the hurting go away mostly. After a wile, they put me bak in the kardbord box and put me and the kardbord box bak on the lady's lap in the bloo masheen and we wint home. They watcht me reel close and lokt me in the cat bedroom without the other cats to bug me. That was okay. In the morning, they were happy that I peed in the nite. They put sum barfy medisin in my mouth that keeps the hurt away. I'm a littul disorientid. They don't want me to go outside so they can watch me. It suks to be me. THE END - RtGC

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

More frum my malebox

So today I got a letter frum the Genworth Life Insurance Company. Heer's part of the letter:

Dear Rockford R Nichols,

As a responsible citizen, you have paid taxes most of your life, and that's why I think you have a right to be deeply concerned by what I am about to tell you.

The cost of long-term care is high. One year of nursing home care in California averages over $69,000 a year. Home care is usually less expensive but it still adds up. A well designed Long-Term Care Insurance policy may go a long way towards covering most of these costs.

Do any of yoo have long-term care insurance or life insurance?It sounds scary! How do they know I'm a geezer? Did sumbuddy tell? I'm shoor glad I got all thoze credit cards so I can pay for my nursing home care. Do they have gutters at nursing homes? Do they serve Fancy Feest? Whut are taxes? I don't think I've ever pade them becuz I'm whut yoo call a freeloader. THE END -- RtGC

Monday, September 11, 2006

It suks to be me, PT 2

No brekfist this morning, and then before I new it, they put me in a box and drove me to the torchur place agin. I peed in the box just to show them. At the torchur place they spent most of the day cheking my pee. Then they stuk needuls in me and I past owt frum the ordeel. Win I woke up, my gums hert. Then they stuk more needuls in me. Then the lady came. I skreemd "TAKE ME HOME TAKE ME HOME." I sed sum bad werds that are on Skeezix's bad werd list, too. The lady sed that for all the munny they spent, I shood werk on improoving my persunality so that I'm injoyabul to be arownd. Skrew them. The lady and the man were happy that I didn't have kid me problims. I never kid anybuddy, so I don't know whut thare talking abowt. The old man sed I still have a problim with my thigh roids, wich I gess is like hemroids, only lower. Skrew him. My mouth herts and I'm still hungrey frum starving all nite and day and I need a drink of water, and I think my thighs look pritty good for a geezer cat. THE END -- RtGC

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I peed in the Howse

Last nite, I peed in the ree-sikuling box. It's ware they put my male with credit card offers before they take it out to the gutter for me. Lately, I've been having to drink lots of water, wich of korse makes me have to pee a lot. I was in the house, but the man closed the door to the upstares so I coodn't git downstares to the cat box. So I went to tell the lady, but she just thot I was whining, wich I do a lot. So I climed in the ree-sikuling box and peed. I was emberussed, but whut was I supposed to do? The lady didn't git mad at me becuz she knew I coodn't help myself. She's nice that way. I was so emberussed, I reely wanted to stay outside, so the lady let me go outside, and she put my cushy bed with the warming pad on the porch for me. I like that better than sleeping in the howse. I don't like having to pee so much. I'm suppost to be the bartender for Skeezix's berthday party next week. I wunder if I can do it if I have to pee all the time? THE END --- RtGC

Thursday, September 07, 2006

It suks to be me

Yep, that's me in a box on the cold silver table. I had to go to the vet. Even werse, I had to ride in the bloo masheen with the wite rat hoo kept telling me to stop kussing. I kust all the way thare and back. The wite rat likes riding in the bloo masheen and seeing the vet. The wite rat is a freek. They poked needuls in me and looked at my pee and looked at my teeth that have jinjer vinus. Even werse than that, I have to go back to the vet on Munday. Sumthing abowt my kidneys and all the water I'm drinking. I'm fine, I'm frisky, and I don't wanna go to the vet anymore.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Evry Nite's a Sleepover

The Food Lady has bin forsing me to stay in the howse at nite, wich I reely hated at ferst, but now it's not so bad. Last nite, Mao and Skeezix and I played chase together for like the ferst time ever. It was fun. I'm not wild abowt spending the nite away frum the gutter becuz in the howse it takes a lot of time to find all the places to mark my territorey, and I'd rather spend the time nappin'. I'm eeting like six or seven cans of cat food a day now, since I have to bulk up for winter, wich is the cold part of the yeer. I don't know how that skinny runt Skeezix makes it thru the winter without freezing to deth since he has zero body fat. Well, akshully, I do know -- he wares those stoopid sissy outfits. THE END --- RtGC

Sunday, September 03, 2006

My Reel Age

I took this qwiz, wich told me that my reel age was 56, not 82 (in hyooman yeers). It asked whut I ate, and wether I werked owt and stuff and a bunch of other qweschuns. Yoo can take the qwiz heer. For a geezer like me hoo feels yunger than the calender sez I am, it was a reel pik-me-up to diskuvver that I reely AM spry. Gotta go now -- time to run up a tree! THE END --- RtGC

Saturday, September 02, 2006

My Bench

Heer is a pikchur of my bench. As yoo can see, it is a nice bench. It is next to my summer home in the driveway, and it's kind of like an upstares. It gives me a good vantij point to patrol the premises. Mao always sez I only patrol the gutter, but that's not troo, and Mao is hardly ever outside. So win he's not outside, I have to do all the patroling. It's hard werk.

In this pikchur, I'm keeping an eegul eye on the sidewok. The sidewok is ware I see most of the introoders. It is next to my home in the gutter. I hate introoders, espeshully win they are dawgs.

The bench is nice to sit on win it's reely hot or reely cold outside becuz it duzn't git as hot or cold as the cement. Since I'm a geezer cat, I feel the cold more than yung wipper-snapper cats do. THE END -- RtGC