Thursday, November 30, 2006

My Thursday Thirteen

Rocky the Gutter Cat's Thirteen Ways to Attrakt the Chiks
  1. Ware a Yankees kap. Chiks dig sports guyz and athuleets.
  2. Rite a blog.
  3. Git a Hugh Hefner smoking jakkit to ware in the grotto. I don't have wun but Kismet duz, and EVRYWUN knows he's a regyuler chik magnit.
  4. Git horns implantid in yer 4hed. I have herd that win yoo have horns, the ladeez can sense yoo are reddy to git down to bizniss.
  5. Go to the vet a lot and rite abowt it on yer blog. The chiks' Florinse Niteingale whoremones will start kikking in, and they'll wunt to "nurse yoo bak to helth." Let them.
  6. Good dentul high-jeens. Win yer breth is kissing sweet, the chiks are more inklined to wunt to kiss yoo.
  7. Let the chiks do all the talking. They like to talk, so let em.
  8. Git a dweebie baby bruther like Skeez hood wet his pants if he got close to a gerl. Wimmin are all over him becuz he's so "kyoot" but he coodn't date his way outta a paper bag. That's win big bruther Rocky stands bak and skoops up the overflow. It's like shootin fish in a barrul.
  9. I always ware a tuxeedo. Chiks dig guyz in tuxedos, and it is sed that evry guy looks good in a tuxedo. That spicey littul vixin Rosie calls it a munkey soot. Whutever. It's a good look for me, and it wood be a good look for yoo.
  10. Lern to nap with yer eyes open. That way, win the chik is yakkin' and yakkin' abowt the "relayshunship," yoo can git sum shuteye wile simultaneyusly skoring points for being a good lissiner.
  11. Git a hoohaectomy. It's no piknik, but theeze daze, no chik wunts to date a guy unless he's shooting blanks.
  12. Be a moovey star. Win "The Advenchurs of Rocky the Gutter Cat" was reeleest, I had to fend off the chiks with a stik. I thot of chanjing my name to Rocky Pitt.
  13. Know yer nip. Chiks mite not wunt to admit it, but they'd much rather date a konnusoor like me hoo knows skank weed frum the primo stuff and can show them a good time than sum guy hoo don't know buds frum stems. And wunce they git a few wiffs, yoo'll have them eeting frum the palm of yer paw.


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I got my horns reemoovd!

Bad nooz is, I had to git bak in the kardbord prizzin box and go to the Bulevard Pet Hospitul Torcher Chamber today. Good nooz is, he reemoovd my horns! Bad nooz is, he had to stapul my forehed so my branes won't leek owt. Badder nooz is, I still have to go bak next week to have the stapuls reemoved.

But at leest I no longer look like a vishus deer.

Sadie, Daisy Mae, or any of the rest of yoo gerls wanna come over and nurse poor ole' Rockyboy bak to helth??? THE END --- RtGC

I'm a HOT HOT(m)BC Catizen !!!!!

Yes, I am thrilld to annownse that I am offishully an honererry member of HOT(m)BC! And they put HOT on my badge, just in case yoo need to be reminded (espeshully yoo, Sadie) that I am HOT HOT HOT! And I've got horns! So watch owt, ladeez!

Widebody Wenzday

This is my frend Ripley hoo haz a fenomenul widebody.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I got a hat

The wite rat done good today. I HATE my stoopid vishus deer antlers, so Skeez' lended me his Yankees cap (the wun he got frum Jeter Harris) to cuvver them up, and it's dun wunders for my self-esteem.

Tuxedo Toozday

OMG!!!! I just lookt in the mirrer, and YIKES!!!!!
Whut the hek did Bulevard Pet Hospitul put on my hed? Is it...

A) Vishus Deer horns
B) Devil horns
C) Andorian antenas

Or werse, did they operate and leeve a surjikul gluv inside???

Monday, November 27, 2006

Life Suks

So, win the peepul got home frum taking the Skeez on a rode trip (wich he woodn't shut up abowt, btw), they were pettin' me and telling me how happy they were to be bak home, win they discuverd a pimpul (wich, if I were Klingon, wood be calld a "gorch") on my forehed. So the next morning they forst me, kikking and skreeming, into my kardbord prizzin box for a trip to bulevard pet hospitul. And they kept me thare for 2 nites, wich was the werst ixpeeriense of my life. They stuk needuls in my pimpul and draned it and gave me shots. They calld my pimpul an "ABsess," even tho it's noware neer my abs. The only thing that saved me frum going kompleeteley insanse was that gramma's cat, my frend Babe, was inkarserayted thare, too, and we got to stay in side-by-side prizzin sells. Babe had bin thare way longer than me becuz he is vary sik. But now I'm home, and I have larinjitus frum yelling at the top of my lungs for 2 days strate. I think Mao had the rite idea abowt running away frum home....

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Tuxedo Toozday

Of all the fotos ever taken of me, abowt 99.99999999998% of them are of me win I'm asleep (or falling asleep, or just waking up). This one is no ixsepshun.

>> Sox
>> Abby


Tummy Toozday

Heer's a Tummy Toozday pikchur of me. As yoo can see, the howrglass is vary slimming!

Monday, November 20, 2006

Sunday, November 19, 2006

OK, I admit it, I'm a frisky geezer

The Food Lady busted me on making owt like I'm on deth's doorstep just to get more votes in the Werld's Coolest Cat Kontest, so she made me put up a foto showing me playing so yoo'll see that I'm frisky and spry. This was taken just before the man fixt the tunnul box so that it won't collapse win Skeez jumps on top of it. This is a grate box. It has holes (like windoze) cut in the sides so we can poke owr arms thru. The lady pinned a tinsel toy to the seeling, wich is whut I'm batting at with my paw. Me and Skeez play in the tunnel box at leest an howr evry nite. He runs into the tunnel, and I poke at him frum owtside, and he pokes at me frum inside. THE END - RtGC

Skeez is busted

Well, the ladey and the man got wind of Skeez' riting in his blog abowt me not reely being on my last legs (theeze are my ONLY legs ---- ferst AND last), and all that, in the hopes that evrywun will vote for him insted of me in the World's Coolest Cat Contest. He was kinda hittin below the belt in diskussing my pee problims, but it was reely just becuz he knows I'm gonna win, and it kills him to admit that I'm cooler.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

I'm a finulist

Me and Skeezix are both finulists in Catster's Werld's Coolest Cat Competishun. I have TWO fotos that made it to the finuls. Both are of me on my bak, wich is appropriut, since that's ware I am most of the time if I'm not peeing or eeting.

Yoo can only cast one vote for Best in Show, wich makes it hard! Now, I know yoo all wunt Skeezix to win, but let me put in my sorry plee for yer vote:

  • I'm an old geezer cat. This may be the very last kontest I ever git to enter.

  • If I win, win I'm having my pee problims, I'll be abul to think of thoze happy daze win I was the Werld's Koolest Cat, and it mite take my mind off the pane.

  • Skeezix is only 2 yeers old, and he has abowt 20 more chanses to enter agin before he dies.

  • I pee a LOT, and that meens both freeqwintly and qwantitativly. So I need that automated catbox more than Skeez.

  • Skeezix can go enter a cat show if he wunts to win sumthing. I'm a no-papers mixed breed frum the pownd hoo can't enter cat shows.

  • Did I menshun that I'm an old geezer cat and this may be the very last kontest I ever git to enter?

So pleeze, vote for me. Or vote for Skeez if yoo must. But VOTE!

And if yoo vote for me, I rekummend voting for my "Stretch and Yawn" foto becuz I think the sleeper categorey is sewn up by an upstart kitten hoo illegully yoozd the Photoshop Kyoot Filter. THE END --- RtGC

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Widebody Wenzday

Heer's a widebody Wenzday foto. I don't know hoo she is, but redheds make me hot, and thare's a hole lotta her to love! THE END --- RtGC


>> Fat Eric
>> Sir Edmund
>> Eric (not Fat Eric)
>> Cheeto's gerlfrend, Mrs B
>> Grr

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tuxedo Toozday

This is a pikchur of me on my bench. Win I'm outside, if I'm not in the gutter, I'm heer. It's a nice bench. Much warmer than being on the kold seement, wich bothers my artheritis. The lady reely likes it win I put my 2 frunt paws together becuz they make purrfikt matched sox.

>> Sox
>> Abby


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Widebody Wenzday

Heer's my Widebody Wenzday foto for this week. This is anuther foto of Joonyer, my gratest frend EVER! THE END --- RtGC


>> Fat Eric
>> Sir Edmund
>> Eric (not Fat Eric)
>> Cheeto's gerlfrend, Mrs B
>> Grr

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Widebody Wenzday

Mao has bin insuferubul since he invented Meezer Munday. Since Tuxedo Toozday had alreddy bin invented, it didn't look like I cood invent anything for myself. But then I desided to invent Widebody Wednesday, in wich I will showcase fotos of full-figyerd cats. I'm starting with a pikchur of myself, wich was takin before I got the thigh roids problim, and I was a plus-size cat. Forchewnitly, the howrglass pattern on my stumik had a slimming ifekt so I looked a lot skinnier than I akshully was. THE END --- RtGC