Rocky's Male Bag

I've bin gitting a lot of stuff in the male frum Academy of Art University. At ferst it sownded like too much werk, but then I thot: CO-EDS! And it's in San Fransisko, so I cood vizit that spicy vixin Rosie. And I cood take BART thare and sleep on the trayne so I woodn't miss much nappin' time. They sent me a big fat book that is good for a pillow, and a CD that nice pikchurs that made me sleepy. So they no just wut buttuns to push to make me wunt to go thare.

I also got a bro-shur frum Fremont Porsche wich sells Porsches. They spell porche funny becuz its Jermun. We kinda need a new frunt porche after my industreeyul aksident, since it still stinks like skunk farts by the frunt door, so maybe I'll go vizit them and try to git the peepul a new frunt porche for Krissmiss. I have to admit, the bro-shur was vary stranje becuz thare was not one singul pikchur of a porche, just a bunch of sports cars. Advertizing can be vary misteerius.

Rocky's Male bag

I got a cuppul of things besides credit card offers in the male this week.

The ferst one was an offer of a job:

Dear Rockford Nichols,

Acurian, a company specializing in patient recruitment of clincal trials, is working with a pharmaceutical company to find individuals willing to potentially participate in a clinical trial for prevention of migraine headaches. If you experience frequent and painful headaches, we would like to provide you with information on this trial that may be of interest to you or your family.

Only through the interest of study volunteers do new treatment options get tested so that they may be approved by the FDA and become available to people who need them. Please allow Acurian the opportunity to share with you information about this trial for headache prevention.

If you would like more information on this trial, simply visit www.acuriantrials.com, or call 1-800-981-8065 between 8 am and 10 pm (EST) Monday - Friday.

Sincerely,
Christopher Haines, MD

That sownds pritty good. I don't have headache problims, but maybe they can help with my pee problims!

The second was a valyubul set of FREE TIKITS that came in a speshul invitayshun frum Donald Trump's closest advizer! Eech tikit is werth $149.

Heer's whut it sed:

Dear Rockford,

Because you were referred to me, I wanted to personally invite you as my VIP guest to hear my story and be trained by "4" of my personal mentors, who are some of the wealthiest self-made multi-millionarie experts in America. We will share with you our unique wealth creating secrets and strategies. As my special VIP guest, I have enclosed two (2) complimentary tickets and you will receive a free special edition of "TRUMP Strategies for Real-Estate Billionaire Lessons for the Small Investor" at the conference. The normal tuition fee of $149 is waived for you.

It kind of goze on and on after that, but I skipped over it becuz all I wunt to know is ware to sine up! I'm gonna take my frend Mao with me so that we can lern sum tips on how to market Mao and Rocky's Vishus Deer Repelunt and become rich millionaires. If we lern any good money-making tips, we'll let yoo know! THE END --- RtGC

I adopted Opie

This is Opie frum Best Frends Animul Sankchewery. I sponserd him today and pade with sum of those credit cards I git in the male. I pikt him becuz he was fownd in a storm drane, wich as yoo know, is conveenyuntly lokayted under the gutter. So I thot we had a lot in commun. Heer's his biograffy:

Opie must be a Lord of the Rings fan, because he does his best to look like Gollum! When he's not skulking around, you'll find him hunched in the corner, looking suspicious. And he has had enough adventures to fill a book! Before he came to Best Friends, he had been wandering around Venice, California, dazed, hungry, and thirsty. Suddenly, he found
himself trapped in a storm drain. He couldn't jump out! He was desperate. Little did he know, a dog would be the one to come to his rescue! A particular little dog and his person went for a walk every day past where Opie was trapped. And whenever they went by, the dog would stick his nose in to say hello. His person began to wonder what was in there. When she looked, she saw Opie! By the time he was rescued, he was really skinny - nearly dead!

After Opie was found, he was brought to the vet where it was discovered that he has diabetes as well as a spinal injury from having once been hit by a car! Because his diabetes was untreated for so long, his back legs don't work so well - that's why he couldn't jump out of the storm drain. Opie had been tired, thirsty, and hurting for so long that he never thought he'd be happy again. But now that he's at Best Friends, he finds his mood improving every day. And it turns out that despite his sulky looks, he's a
very personable cat.

So now I have to figyur owt how I can go visit Opie hoo livs far away in Yoo-tah. I've bin looking at the greyhownd bus skedjools, but the bus duzn't come to Castro Valley and I woodn't like to ride on a dawg bus anyway. I thot maybe I cood take BART, but that sownds too much like BARK wich makes me nervus. THE END -- RtGC

>> Yoo can sponser a cat, too. Clik heer for deetales. It also mite be a good place to look for gerlfrends if yer so inklined.

Rocky's Malebox

I got a good letter in the male today. It just mite be my tikit to freedum. It was frum the American Dreem Land Company, and this is whut it sed:

Dear Friend,

This is your personal invitation to our upcoming Huge Land Auction on October 1, 2006. At this awesome event, over 150 parcels of valuable land will be sold! We are selling everything from city lots to huge parcles of country land. Don't miss it! (I won't!!!)

Then it gives the time and place, and continyooze:

We offer financing on every parcel we sell. The paperwork is easy and everyone qualifies to buy. We specialize in no hassle transactions, making the American Dream of owning land possible for everyone. To find out more about the auction, visit our website at Americandreamland.com.

Free land!
We will be giving away free parcels of land throughout the auction. When you register at the auction, you will be given tickets to participate in drawings for valuable FREE LAND!

Anybuddy wanna go with me??? I'm shoor that out of 150 parcels, thare will be sum good gutter land avayleubul.

More frum my malebox

So today I got a letter frum the Genworth Life Insurance Company. Heer's part of the letter:

Dear Rockford R Nichols,

As a responsible citizen, you have paid taxes most of your life, and that's why I think you have a right to be deeply concerned by what I am about to tell you.

The cost of long-term care is high. One year of nursing home care in California averages over $69,000 a year. Home care is usually less expensive but it still adds up. A well designed Long-Term Care Insurance policy may go a long way towards covering most of these costs.

Do any of yoo have long-term care insurance or life insurance?It sounds scary! How do they know I'm a geezer? Did sumbuddy tell? I'm shoor glad I got all thoze credit cards so I can pay for my nursing home care. Do they have gutters at nursing homes? Do they serve Fancy Feest? Whut are taxes? I don't think I've ever pade them becuz I'm whut yoo call a freeloader. THE END -- RtGC

Whut a Krappy Week

That stoopid Skeezix not only red all my male, but he made a list of it, commented on it, and put it on his blog. CAN YOO BELEEVE THAT??? And now evry singul cat on the innernet is tokking abowt my male and my credit cards and how I'm trying to buy a new car for my gutter. I feel like my sole has been bared to the werld.

Plus, the peeple haven't bin hitting any homeruns with cat food flavers this week.

Plus, thare was a flotilla of stranjers hoo visited this weekend, and they were very lowd and thare were very many of them and they PARKED THARE BIG HONKIN SUVS IN MY GUTTER and they called me "Roger" insted of "Rocky."

I hate my life.

THE END --- RtGC